She held both my hands… palms up… thumbs in the center…and I was invited to ride the waves of tears and emotions as they came rushing in.
Waves rushing in. Waves rolling out.
I lost all control and while bawling my eyes out to a mystical, palm-reading stranger, my journey into motherhood had officially restarted.
I didn’t know it yet, but I was pregnant again with my first (second) child.
All I felt and knew in that moment was that I was being truly seen…deep into the depths of my soul.
This lady saw my entire story just by holding my hands and looking me in the eyes.
I said absolutely nothing.
She saw all the spiritual and physical ama I collected over the past year.
She saw the earth-shattering death of my grandfather.
She saw our “missed” miscarriage and the following infertility.
She saw the physicality of the stress-induced kidney stones and viruses.
She says “you’ve lost a lot” and another tidal wave came rushing in.
She held gracious space for me and when she intuitively noticed the tide beginning to recede, she said, “and you’ve learned so much, my dear”.
Maybe not the most unique statement, but everything I needed to hear at that moment.
The waves began to calm. The violent crashing had stopped.
She said, “You’ve learned enough to move on”, and I whole-heartedly believed her.
I felt a complete resolve through my whole body.
I walked away from that reading not fully understanding what had just happened, but feeling completely transformed in ways I couldn’t put into words.
Now, on the other side of that personal tidal wave, I understand that I was being held tightly in the discomfort of a liminal space, the space in between.
I was energetically stuck in the silent, unspoken space that marks the ending and the beginning of something beautiful.
It was where infertility ends and simultaneously, pregnancy begins.
I was invited to pause (which I rarely do) and honor the transition as my previous identity fell away and my new identity was just emerging.
I was given the space to be truly present with the collected spiritual ama and watch it as it washed away, cleansing my whole being.
Today, I try to embrace the space inbetween as a sacred time of observing, tuning into what my mind/body needs in the moment, and to welcome whatever comes in with grace.
It sounds silly, but I now understand what “riding the waves” really means.
I also now understand that the only way to mother is to ride the waves of each and every moment, thanking them for what they teach us along the way.
Our beautiful daughter was born 9 months later and I stepped into motherhood truly understanding the power of community, no matter it’s size.
It was that Saturday morning, in front of a complete stranger, that my definition of “safe space” and “transparency” was defined. It was the catalyst I needed to feel confident in opening up to the support around me, sharing my authentic story and to find inspiration in creating a safe space for other mothers who may need to be truly seen and heard.
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Each week, expect a bite-sized personal reflection with accompanying journal prompt. My hope is that by sharing these reflections and prompts, you’ll be inspired into purposeful action and we’ll both be reassured that we are not alone in this process of unraveling.
Once a month, expect a curation of resources intended to inspire a deeper personal practice. There will be Q&A interviews to showcase how other women in this community navigate transformation, articles and podcasts that have made a lasting impression and practical mindfulness exercises to bring about sustainable change. If you’re a fan of mantra…there will be some of that too.