I had survived the first 9 months as MOTHER.
One of the many foggy postpartum layers was slowly lifting.
She was sleeping through the night after months of painstaking, yet completely necessary sleep training…mom-guilt still lingering. She was finally adding some weight to her “below the charts” frame and magically outgrowing some problematic silent reflux issues. She was determined to take her first steps and was on a suicide mission with each wobbly shuffle.
Google had diagnosed my daughter as a “high needs” baby and this Mama believed Mr. Google. He’d never been more accurate.
Even with so much progress, so many newly acquired skills, Mama was e-x-h-a-u-s-t-e-d. Mama was anxious. Mama overthought everything.
As a survival mechanism, my daughter and I developed a habit of meeting another mama/baby duo for mid-afternoon pick me ups, where I would indulge in chocolate 99.9% of the time.
Part impromptu therapy session and part bonding ritual, it was during these afternoon chats that I started to fully transition into my new role as mother.
It was the comparison to another mother’s journey that acted as a mirror, allowing me to meter my own mental state.
At 9-months postpartum, we were clearly still struggling. I was NOT a “natural” at this whole mothering thing.
Most days, I was disconnected from my internal guidance system (A.K.A. mother’s intuition) and the fallout of these afternoon chats was a lot of second guessing and late night Googling.
Why am I still feeling like this at 9-months?
Shouldn’t things be easier now that my kid is sleeping?
Why do other mothers seem to be “naturals” at this parenting thing?
Why is my baby so challenging and magical at the same time?
Will “high needs” baby turn out to be children on the spectrum?
Is this postpartum depression?
Should I be worried?
Mr. Google became my sounding board and my browser history proves that my most recurrent anxiety-driven pondering was “When do the good parts start”?
I spent a good part of the first year as a mother completely controlled by anxious thoughts, second guessing, and blood sugar spikes from all the chocolate consumption.
Maybe it was a version of PTSD or an automatic protective response to brace myself for the next shit storm, but I constantly felt wonky and I knew I couldn’t completely blame it on mom-brain or hormones. What the heck was going on?
Thankfully, I know I’m not alone in this feeling
The problem is that mothers of today are surrounded by a suffocating amount of supposedly helpful resources and a prolific guilt culture. After overconsuming unwarranted “advice” from strangers on the internet, we tell ourselves that someone’s baby is more challenging. Their baby is more sick, more demanding, more high-needs, making us feel guilty for every feeling and thought that arises.
She LOST her baby.
I extinguish all my feelings and silently whisper, “She’s got it worse. I’m fine. I got this.”
I recently read a statistic that says that more than 30% of women feel like this, and those are the women that actually speak up. That means that in about 1 in 3 of us are suffering in silence and THAT IS NOT OK!
I later learned that studies are showing postpartum depression hits its peak at 4 years postpartum. Are we going to accept this as truth and position it as something to look forward to? OR Can we stop acting like we have our shit together and collectively shift the paradigm?
I’ve been witness to how messy the internal dialogue can be and how easy it is for a mother’s mental state to warp.
Diagnosed or not, I see this epidemic in every motherhood circle, on every coffee date, in every chatroom, and throughout all social platforms and I’m feeling called to help redirect conversations in a way that honors our mothers and the transition into motherhood.
There is great power in knowing that our feelings are valid and shared by millions of other mamas. It’s therapeutic to feel supported by those who have gone before us. It’s OK to not be a “natural” and to not love every aspect of motherhood.
As a group of women who lead progressive conversations about the reality of motherhood I believe we have the ability to shift the dialogue away from guilt and second guessing and towards empathetic validation.
Today, I’m riding all the highs and lows that come along with my role as a mother, but I’m pleased to say the good parts are here and the postpartum fog has lifted.
Even with all the good parts, my mental health is being tested on a daily basis. I’m still processing my own personal transformation, but now with a strong-willed toddler in tow. She’s incredibly wise, so I’m doing most of my learning through her angelic perspective. More stillness. More space. More presence. More play.
It’s also through the curation of a really supportive group of women, like those in the Our Seva Motherhood Circle private Facebook group that I’ve been able to digest the things that need digesting, honor the things that need to be seen, and find validation for those things that feel “unspoken”.
I know it’s a really, really tough space to navigate, but like they say…”We were never meant to do it alone.”
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Each week, expect a bite-sized personal reflection with accompanying journal prompt. My hope is that by sharing these reflections and prompts, you’ll be inspired into purposeful action and we’ll both be reassured that we are not alone in this process of unraveling.
Once a month, expect a curation of resources intended to inspire a deeper personal practice. There will be Q&A interviews to showcase how other women in this community navigate transformation, articles and podcasts that have made a lasting impression and practical mindfulness exercises to bring about sustainable change. If you’re a fan of mantra…there will be some of that too.